April 8, 2026
I messed this one up.
He was tall blonde, worked in finance. He spoke well and seemed to have a bright future. We met up for a farmers market date. He seemed nervous, but hide it well. I thought he was more skinny than what I typically go for, but what do you expect from a guy who’s made running half of his personality.
I liked that he was active and he seemed to have an edge of control in his personality that made me curious. Do I like a controlling man? I guess I’d prefer that to a meek man. We talked about kids and hobbies and he seemed to agree with all my takes on life and the future. I loved that I met someone that was finally on the same page as me.
Upon leaving him I did feel slightly off, but I couldn’t place it. He spoke well, I did feel something that I knew could grow into love, and we wanted the same things. Why did he not consume my thoughts? Why was I not day dreaming about seeing him again or eager to text him back after he followed up with me later?
I think I have a stellar intuition. I can feel when a guy’s going to pull away before he does. He had hinted that he liked good banter and I’ve never been one to call that my strength. I’d blame that on my childhood. I always defaulted to the safe and direct response since I grew up with a man you had to walk on eggshells around for fear of what might set him off. I believe that muted my personality a bit. Stunted me into someone who’s pleasant to talk to, but not electric. I’m a natural diffuser even when the situation doesn’t call for it. I’m good at taking any sort of energy (bad or good) and simmering it back down to neutral. I would call it a curse at this point. At least I recognize my problem now. I’m going to face dating like a game. Insert jabs, pointed questions, teasing remarks, non literal quips here and there and watch how they responded. Excited? Flustered?
I want a man that’s curious about me and not just my body. I think that’s how I get him to fall in love with my mind. At least I hope it is. Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.
Anyway back to Adam. We went on date at this wine bar near my apartment. Conversation went well, but a little too serious and he was a little too agreeable. Any tension we might had had on our first date fizzled. He knew what to say to keep the mask over my eyes, so I go back to his place. I sleep with him. Deep down I know the clock is ticking on the relationship. Right after sex, I asked if he’s going to leave me now. At that point I already knew the answer. He deflected and asked why I’d ask that. Next thing I know I’m calling myself an uber. Hours go by and no text from him. Finally my phone buzzes with a break up text on screen. My only regret was sleeping with him. I feel like shit. Literally. I’ve been sick all week and my PH balance feels off because we didn’t use protection.
I used to insist on protection when I was younger. I think part of me hoped he would get me pregnant because he made so many empty promises about kids. He was happy to fuel my fantasy. I fucking hate men sometimes. I did do this to myself though. On to the next…
Honey to Bear 