March 12, 2025
I had an epiphany today. I thought, “Maybe the reason none of my relationships with men have ever worked out is because I’ve been approaching them from the wrong lens.” I approach relationships with caution, afraid that I’ll meet someone who will turn into my father—someone who traps me in my own personal hell. When I look at a man, I compare him to everything I hated about my father: his poor emotional regulation, his real lover being alcohol. I’m so fearful of being a part of a relationship like that, I end up self-sabotaging. I jump straight into the serious stuff without letting the relationship breathe, without nurturing it. I either shut off my heart or I deprioritize the joy in the relationship and go straight to the serious talks.
I need to change my thinking. I need to make lists of all the things I imagine doing with my partner when I find him. All the memories we’ll create together. All the trips and shared meals. All the love and understanding between us. I need to think about how I want to feel supported, and how I can support him. I need to consider what will make me feel heard in the relationship. What relationship milestones I want to look for.
How he makes me feel brimming with joy every time we’re together. How we can have fun light hearted debates. How we can tease each other and make each other laugh. How we can grow together to become something better than both of us ever imagined. How we can raise a family, and conquer life’s obstacles. How we feel so comfortable sharing each others truths and have shared values. How our philosophy of a great home life is similar and what love looks like to each of us. I’m ready to fall for a man who chooses me. A man who continues to choose me every damn day.
I vow to keep working on myself so that I choose myself every single day as well. And if a day ever comes when he stops choosing me, I won’t hesitate for a second to walk away. Because I’m worth being chosen.
Honey to Bear 