Honey to Bear

March 7, 2025

He’s new to the city. He reminds me of warm hot chocolate, of water sparkling under the heat of the sun, of dreams worth dreaming of. Our relationship burned too bright, too fast. I decided I wanted to love him after date one. I decided to give him all of me, go all in, and let myself open up to him fully.

I told him about my recent struggles with my mom joining a cult and moving to the other side of the country. I told him about my stresses with being in between jobs. I told him about my exes and what I learned from each relationship. I wanted him to know me fully. Him not loving me wasn’t an option in my head. Him walking away was never something I worried about because I thought it was impossible for him to not feel the strong pull that I felt for him.

I felt myself spiraling. My mom just called me asking for money again, not caring that I’m between jobs and am on a strict budget since I don’t have a source of income. My mom, only a few days prior, had called me demanding I take over the $250 monthly storage unit payment from her. Having no one to rant to about my feelings on this I felt like I was drowning. I instinctively dialed Ex #2’s number to express my feelings, thoughts, stresses. I just wanted to feel grounded, stable.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Those are the words that rang out in my ears when he picked up. My heart imploded. I knew I was leaning on him too much. He was collapsing under the weight of all my heavy thoughts. But wasn’t this what a partner was for? Someone who holds you when you’re not feeling strong enough to hold yourself up? I wouldn’t have leaned on him so heavily if I didn’t think he would be able to handle it. I had chosen to call him because he was the one person I trusted not to leave me when I confessed the things weighing on my mind. Maybe these worried thoughts weren’t meant to be placed on someone I’ve only dated for two months. Maybe I’ve accelerated our relationship in my head when in actuality we weren’t there yet. We weren’t even close to being there. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. He never saw me as his. We were still in the “get to know you phase” and he chose that he’s seen enough of my mess. That he indeed needed to rid himself of me and the chaos that came with me.

In my mind I was his. Maybe I was delusional for thinking we both were committed to forever. He never out right said anything remotely like that. My mind wove together words that were never said to materialize the narrative that I wanted to exist. We’re so good at lying to ourselves. He had come over to my apartment the night he broke it off with me. He held me as I cried and told him I loved him. His eyebrows had raised in suprise at my confession. This only made the sting worse. Loving men that don’t love me seems to be a pattern I haven’t been able to break from.

I learned that love shouldn’t be rushed. That constantly checking on your partner throughout the relationship is imperative for a relationship to work. We’re so good at filling in the pieces and coming up with the narrative that works for us. Sometimes if there’s too many pieces to fill in, the truth gets lost. Before we know it our mind is rooted in a world of fantasy and delusion and the only thing that whips us back into reality is the words of the man who you’ve carefully built that fantasy around breaking up with you.