March 6, 2025
He’s a photographer. An adventure lifestyle photographer to be more precise. He had a boyish grin and an immature way of viewing the world. His personality was a stark contrast to the tech bro nerds I find myself surrounded by in my daily life. I love that he bled adventure and creativity. He took me on numerous camping trips to places I didn’t know could be so beautiful: Joshua Tree, Arches, Havasu. Each place more beautiful than the last. His presence felt new and refreshing. We met one fall, he happened to be near my city and was offering a photoshoot and I (feeling up to the task) enthusiastically DM’d him saying that I would be thrilled to be his subject. From the moment he laid eyes on me I could tell he was interested. He wasn’t the typical man I went for. No college degree, loathed high school back in the day, gig worker who constantly worried about where his next paycheck would come from. I didn’t care at the time, he lived in Hawaii and I saw him as an escape from the drudgery of the rat race.
I found myself booking flights to Hawaii to see him and he showed me around the island. I felt like I was living the life my teenage self had always dreamed of. My mind couldn’t help but flash back to 2014 tumblr era. A euphoric time of good vibes and the endless stream of Alexis Ren’s tropical content gracing my feed. We ate sushi and went on hikes. Drove to the lesser traveled side of the island with our convertible top down. He taught me how to drive stick in an abandoned industrial area of the island and took me to his favorite eateries. This life was so different than mine back in San Francisco. I was convinced I found a type of heaven on earth.
He surprised me by asking me to be a part of a commercial photoshoot up near Seattle. There were four models total: two local models, and me and the last model both flown in from California. My ex picked us all up. Next thing I know, we’re being whisked away to an instagram worthy lake house property. I’d never been in a photoshoot for a brand before and the whole thing felt surreal. I felt so appreciative to experience this world of modeling and destination photoshoots, I tried to drink in every second of it.
The lake house was booked until the next morning, so naturally one of the models broke out some weed. I politely declined quickly explaining I had a recital I was singing in the next day and didn’t want to risk my voice. My ex looked at my inquisitively (I was modest about my singing endeavors and intentionally withheld mentioning my upcoming performance). To my surprise he whipped out his phone and started making arrangements. “What are you doing” I had asked him. “You’re going to be PERFORMING. I can’t miss that.” I think that was one of the sweetest things anyone has every done for me. The next day, as I stared out into the audience from the bright lights of the stage, I caught my ex’s eye and gave him a smile. Then I took a deep breathe and began to sing.
It turned sour about a year in. I think it only lasted as long as it did because we never lived in the same city. He moved from Oahu to Salt Lake. I flew out to see him every few months (never the other way around). He had a dark side to him, I quickly learned. He couldn’t be intimate with me without the involvement of rope and him tying me up in said rope. I assumed it was a quirk that he liked because he saw it as an art form. For me, I saw the restraints way less enjoyable than him. I found myself secretly hoping that he would just forget about the rope and love me normally, but to my dismay he always brought it out. When I finally worked up the courage on one of the last times I saw him to tell him I didn’t feel comfortable with being tied up anymore, he looked confused and disappointed. I’m proud of myself for speaking up and finally voicing my boundary instead of caving in to what my partner wanted. I learned through this relationship how much better it feels to voice a boundary and loose the relationship than keep the relationship and let him do what he likes.
What we had wasn’t love. We had shared common interests, we had adventures and cool new experiences, but we did not have love. When the relationship ended I was surprised when a rush of relief filled my body. It was like I was free of something that was not meant for me.
Image credit: ex #1
Honey to Bear 